I can’t get those memories out of my mind
And some kind of madness has started to evolve
I tried so hard to let you go
But some kind of madness is swallowing me whole.
– Muse, Madness
She can’t breathe. Her heart is racing, her mind racing even faster. Jittery and full of angst, she lurches to her feet and starts pacing the small room. Remembering what she had done. But also what he had done. With her! That woman. That whore! How dare he! How dare he betray her that way.
She had been so angry. So jealous. So hateful. So heartbroken. She truly loved him. Despite what he’d put her through, what he’d done to her, how he’d hurt her, how small he’d made her feel, she had truly loved him. What did they say about her?
But she had fixed things already, she had done what needed to be done – she had moved far beyond anger. And now she was starting to unravel. On some level she even knew she was unraveling but she couldn’t stop herself. Her feelings were so huge, overwhelming everything else completely. She began to shake, she couldn’t catch her breath, her eyes darting as she paced.
Chest heaving, she began to sob. Anger and jealousy and betrayal. Hurt. Disgust. She knew that he had deserved what she’d done to him, but she suddenly hated herself. She realised that she had allowed him to make her feel this way and she was disgusted with herself. She was so much more than this – when did she lose so much respect for herself? How had she let it come to this?
Time passed as she paced. Full of regret and hurt, betrayal and loss, she paced. Where could she go from here? He was gone.
He was gone.
The overwhelming pressure of it all weighed heavily on her, weighed heavily on her heart, making it harder and harder to breathe. She began clawing at her clothes. She realized with shock that she was wearing her wedding dress. She didn’t remember putting it on but now the pressure of it against her body was too much. She tore at the neckline, it was too much to bear against her skin. She was sweating as she reached behind her to tear at the tiny buttons, leaning forward to try to make them rip off. She had to get out. She needed air. She couldn’t take it. Her chest heaved as she began to panic.
She lurched towards the window and pushed it all the way open, leaning out into the night, the cold air moistening on her hot skin. Heart still pounding, thoughts still racing, she fought for her breath. Why can’t she control herself? It’s all too much. Too much to feel in one mind, one body.
She leaned out further, looking down suddenly into the cool darkness. So cool, so dark, so welcoming. It looked so calm below her, the darknesss a welcome relief from the madness in the hot little room.
Calm. She needed calm. The pressure in her chest was becoming painful, tears were streaming down her face. But as she looked into that cool, calm darkness, she knew how to make things better, how to fix the pain.
She hitched up the skirt of her dress as far as she could and climbed up on the window ledge, relishing the cool breeze whipping at her bare legs. The coolness traveling up her body, bringing with it that delicious calm that settled into her bones.
She turned her head to survey the room behind her and just the sight of that hot little room, candles flickering and casting long, unwelcoming shadows on the walls, she felt sick. In her mind, she could see them again now, bodies entwined, an almost visible heat as his body overpowered hers as he moved above her. She closed her eyes and could still see that woman stretched out beneath him, she could see her back arching in pleasure even as his hand came up to encircle her neck. She had loved the dangerous games he had played with her, but seeing him do those things with another woman had made her sick to her stomach, made her realize how much he had hurt her. And how much he had enjoyed hurting her.
Her heart rate picked up again, her chest becoming tight again, feeling completely overwhelmed again.
She knew the answer now. She knew how to find her calm. Turning back to face the night, to face the darkness, to welcome the calm, she leaned forward and let go.
As she fell, she finally felt at peace.
So that’s the last piece for Julie’s Dapper Rabbit series. This one was written quite recently, just a few weeks ago. I think it’s my favourite so far. I really like the pace – pace is my favourite thing to use in writing.
PS a little about the photo. It seems that my Beauty in Decay shots are my favourites for this series. There are photos from Julie that each piece belongs with, but I will let her show you those. This is a small decaying rose, one of my favourite shots from that session.